Probably thee most epic challenge I’ve had in life surrounds motherhood. I’ve always thought I wanted to be a Mom. I’ve wanted kids since I was in my 20’s. I’m thankful I didn’t have them back then because I probably wasn’t quite mature and settled enough to have them. But then, in my early 30’s I got married and I was ready to start our family. But, my husband at the time eventually told me he wasn’t sure he wanted any more kids. He had a 9 y/o old son from a  previous marriage. I was devastated by this. That didn’t directly cause the demise of our marriage, but it definitely delivered a blow.

It wasn’t until several years later would I meet another guy that I really was into. He was 9 years my junior and kind wooed me with the dangling carrot of starting a family. I fell for it 😞. After we moved in together, he announced he wanted to finish school before starting a family. This sounds ideal, I know, but that would’ve put me at 41 before we started trying. Not an ideal timetable as far as I was concerned. Eventually that relationship fell apart, in part due to the the kid timetable, but other stuff too.

So here I am at 43. Back in 2010, when i was 35 or so, we had a baby shower for my boss because she was expecting her 1st grandchild. While I was sitting at the shower, enjoying the festivities, I felt God say, “you will know this feeling.” It wasn’t the 1st time God had told me something, but this really excited me. I didn’t tell anyone and I don’t think I’ve told anyone up until now.

Fast forward to 2012, I met a woman with the spiritual gift of prophecy. She told me I was going to have a baby. Of course, I was excited, because I wanted a child. I was thinking it would happen way sooner than later. It has yet to come to pass. As recently as a few weeks ago, I heard God again say, you’re gonna get pregnant this year. I’ve also had someone else tell me they see me having a child, if I want one. Which leads me to my present conundrum. I’ll be honest and tell you I can’t see it in this moment and let me tell you why. I’m not married and have no prospects at the moment. I know God can move suddenly and I could cross paths with my husband today. If that were the case, would I want to jump all in and get pregnant this year?

I absolutely want all that God has for me and I like to believe that I have faith. But I do question why would God allow me to get to this point in life to have my 1st and likely only child? Risks are higher at this age and I feel like there would be pressure to rush and do it before mother nature says the shop is closed. And, I be tired than a mug already with no kid. I can only imagine what life would be like with an infant. I’m sharing this publicly because I want to reference it should my wildest expectations come to pass. That would be an amazing testimony for me to carry and birth a healthy baby, with no prospects in sight at 43. Sometimes we see folks blessed and we never know the struggles they’ve been through. Yeilding no results is not always due to lack of trying or faith. I’ve tried and I’ve had faith. Although it may have waivered throughout the years.

I’m admittedly hopeful and still willing, although less hopeful and willing than I was last year or the year before that. I am also thankful that God has taken from me the hurt, anger and all-consuming anxiety about wanting to become a Mom on the timeline in the way I see fit. When I tell you I was in such a place of despair and despondency about being single and childless. Like I can’t really find a way to articulate the depth of those pits. I went to counseling for a series of visits at 2 different points in my journey of coping. Right now, I don’t really see myself ever having a baby as a single mom (at least not by choice) or adopting as a single person. Should the shop close and I haven’t been blessed to birth a child, I would certainly want to understand the contradictory messages I’ve received all these years. I often wonder if it’s something I’ve done or am not doing that’s causing the delay. Or if I’m making up this messages I get? LOL. But, the story is still being written.

I wanted to use my platform to share this deeply personal post because I know I’m not alone. That said, there aren’t many safe spaces to have this conversation. People are quick to dismiss women who want children. I’ve heard, “not everybody wants kids,” while that is a true statement, it has nothing to do with me. I want them. “You have plenty of time,” “have you thought about adopting?,” “women have babies all the time in their 40’s,” “you better hurry up,” “well how come you haven’t had kids, if you want them?” None of these questions and statements are easy to internalize or answer. I simply smile and nod most of the time. I am very thankful they no longer move me to tears, anxiety and feelings of inadequacy.

If you ever want to chat about this because it’s a struggle you share, hit me up. Don’t hit me up tell me to have faith and all that good stuff…I didn’t post this for that. If you want to do something, please pray for me and all the other ladies like me who don’t have a safe space to have this conversation. Ask God to give you a heart for single & childless women, to temper your words and help you not to unknowingly wound them more deeply because you didn’t have the right words to say.

Peace and blessings,
Meredith